Speechless

I never know if anyone reads this blog, aside from a handful who comment regularly, but it doesn’t really matter.  I’m positive that one more voice calling out from the vast internet sea doesn’t contribute to the world’s store of knowledge at all.  At the bottom line, writing it is a benefit to me, and to a lesser degree, to Roger.  The discipline of writing every day has added structure to my days, forced me to examine my feelings about it all and get to the truth of who I am.  Blogging has been an important outlet during a stressful time. 

I try to stay positive and do the work that needs to be done, but I’m not perfect by any means.  I get tired, impatient, and bored.  I feel sorry for myself as if leukemia was my burden alone and not Roger’s.  I have unexplained bad moods.  I berate myself for lacking the focus to concentrate for more than ten minutes on anything.  That’s cruel, but human.  I’ll bet if truth were told, we’d find we all criticize ourselves more harshly than we deserve. 

Yesterday the blog didn’t get updated.  I was so bummed, I couldn’t bring myself to write anything.  If you have been following our story, you know Roger is progressing well.  He’s feeling stronger and is getting antsy to go home.  He so wants to start packing boxes.  But it’s too soon, too soon.

Roger had his clinic appointment yesterday.  In a most charming tone of voice, the doc asked what we’d been doing.  Not realizing that was a trick question, we stepped right into the trap and told him we’d been to the movies.  Perhaps chastised is too strong a word, but we were subjected to a lecture on the foolishness of risking Roger’s health for the sake of seeing a movie.  Our hopes for living out our remaining weeks in Salt Lake City in a semi-normal way were dashed.  We were reminded that this is the most dangerous time in Roger’s recovery.  Because he feels well enough to be up and about, the temptation to go places, do things, interact with people, and generally act as if life is normal puts him at risk.  As long as he is taking immunosuppressant drugs Roger has to resist the urge to have a normal life. 

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the BMT clinic will not make any promises as to when he’ll be released to go back to Montana.  They’ll begin doing the follow-up tests on March 4^th, but they won’t talk about release until all the tests are completed and the results are in.  That could take an additional two weeks.  And then they’ll only release him if all the results are positive, and on the condition that he return to Salt Lake City once a week for an indefinite period of time for clinic appointments. 

Once a week???  You have got to be kidding me.  It’s a 9-hour drive between Salt Lake City and Missoula, how can it be possible to do that once a week?  You can understand why I was speechless yesterday.

A few weeks ago we joked about renegotiating our deal with the universe.  Survival is not enough.  The negotiations are open and as soon as I see that some concessions have been made, I'll be in a better mood.
--Candi