Goodbye, Bone Marrow Boogie

Not that it hasn't been a million laughs, but it is time for this blog to end.  Those who are interested, please feel free to follow me to my new blog, Widowhood 101.  Here's a link to take you right to it:     http://widowhood1.blogspot.com/


I know not all of you will be coming with me, so before I sign off for the last time, I want to thank you.  You have all been so tremendously supportive.  Roger and I both appreciated your concern, your words of wisdom, basically, just the fact that you paid attention when we needed you to.

 

Thank you. 

 

 

Dear Roger...

Dear Roger,
Not all your clients have heard that you are no longer here.  They keep calling to offer you marketing projects.  What should I tell them?

Your work is appreciated.  Look at the nice tribute the Montana Cancer Institute has given you.

I still cry.  Not all the time.  But at the most unexpected and inopportune moments. I miss you a lot.

Love,
Candi

What's Next?

One week.  Two weeks.  Three weeks.  A month.  If I've survived this long, does that mean I'll survive the long haul? 

My life is suddenly so very different.   I went from being on duty as caretaker and jack-of-all-trades 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to having no one to care for but myself.  Well - and Sophie, of course.  Those who are left behind must transition too.

I wonder if there is such a thing as post-leukemia PTSD?  If there is, I've got it. 

What happens after the worst has happened?  I don't miss the damnable disease, the distress or the anxiety.  I don't mind being alone.  I just miss Roger.

Sophie Mopes

Sophie has taken up residence in Roger's chair in the kitchen.

 

 

Sophie is used to being walked 5 times a day.  I'm not kidding.  By her rules, one of those walks each day should take about an hour and go through Greenough Park or along the Clark Fork River trail.  You can see why she mopes and misses Roger.  I walk her as much as I can, but I cannot accommodate her to that extent.  It's the first-thing-in-the-morning and last-thing-at-night walks that I'm finding most  difficult now.  I have only been sleeping every other night, so some nights it's hard to stay awake for Sophie's last walk.  Some days it's hard to get up early for her first walk.  (I have made a doctor appointment next week to see what can be done about this sleep situation.)

 

Soon I'll go back to work.  Sophie will go to day care at Ready, Pet, Go 3 days a week.  Romping with other dogs will help her burn off some of her anxiety.  It's fun for her and less worry for me.  Eventually Sophie's first-thing-in-the-morning and last-thing-at-night walks will help me solidify a routine for myself so that I can sleep better.

 

Things are a little rough right now, but Sophie and I are working it out.

A Fresh Start

I made a little progress on paperwork today.  Roger had not opened the mail since October.  He didn't have the energy for it.  I had no idea that bills weren't getting paid or I would have done it.  I'm sure he kept putting it off, thinking he would feel well enough to tackle it before too much time had passed.  By the time we came back from the hospital in Salt Lake, he was far too ill and I was far too busy to think about it.  So...it's time for a fresh start and a new filing system so I can keep track of things.  The stack of paper on the dining room table is slightly smaller tonight.  And, the work will continue...  I still haven't received a death certificate, so much business is on hold.

While we're on the topic of fresh starts, I painted a small accent wall in the living room.  Robin's Egg Blue.  I'm not sure I like the color.  It's brighter than the taupe we had before; it will take some getting used to.   But it's what I need, the same comfortable old home, but with a clean, fresh start. 

Overwhelmed

Taylor and her sweet little French Bulldog "Cho" left yesterday.  Today was my official first full day alone. 

I wonder, of all the thousands of generations of men and women who have lost family members since the beginning of time,  how can we, as a society, remain ignorant of how to deal with grief?  Maybe there are no "tips and tricks" that can be passed from one generation to the next.  Maybe it can only be learned first-hand.

I set this day aside for paperwork and got nothing done on that score.  Many business processes on my "to-be-done" list require a death certificate and I haven't recieved one yet.  As of this morning, Roger's doctor had not yet signed it.  If I weren't so exhausted, I would be outraged.  So instead of working on insurance, credit cards and bills, I spent the day organizing, sorting and crying over Roger's photos, journals, and artwork.  Why did I only get to have Roger for 20 years?  It was too short!  Too short!

I know this all seems too grim to blog about.  It's just the truth.  I can't get around it; I have to go through it.  But I don't blame you one bit if you decide to stop reading the Bone Marrow Boogie.

R Merrill Creative Direction: Not in Service

 

I am in the process of closing down Roger's business.  You can't believe the number of backup DVDs, external hard drives, computers and paper files that Roger kept.  If I ever had to lay my hands on a specific file, it's doubtful I would be able to.  A single file would be one fish in a very large sea of data.  Many of the files are labeled "specialized" or some other generic file name. It's like having everything you own labeled "miscellaneous."  Thank you, Roger!  It has all gone into storage just the same.  Recycle bins and shredding bins are full to overflowing with paper files.

I am also trying to get in touch with his colleagues and clients.  The "causes" that Roger worked for: education, cancer, the ACLU, the democratic headquarters, and others...many others... have expressed effusive thanks to Roger for the and extremely talented work he did for them.  Some of  Roger's clients, affliates, and organizations that he did volunteer work for are still not aware that he has passed away. So, sadly, I find myself telling the story of his passing over and over again.

Going through Roger's paperwork to identify accounts payable and accounts recievable, I find the payables far outweigh the receivables.  I guess that's to be expected.

The work continues....

No Service

I guess I should have mentioned this before, I just wasn't thinking.  That's hard to believe, I know. 

There will be no memorial service.  Roger and I talked about it and this was his decision.  Our friends and family are spread all around the country.  It would be difficult and costly for many or most of you to travel to Missoula for a brief service.  As much as he loved drama, Roger didn't want to create inconvenience, unnecessary expense or guilt - certainly not guilt - for anyone.

Whereever you are, take a moment, raise a glass and make a toast to Roger.  That would put a smile on his face.

I thought I was ready

Roger battled leukemia for 8 years, almost to the day.  So I had some advance notice to ponder widowhood.  I thought I was as ready as I could be, but I was wrong.  There is no way to anticipate this.  There is no way to prepare.  I told Taylor today, "it's like moving into a new house and not knowing where the light switches are -- but on a much, much larger scale."


June 5

Blow out the lamp & the moths quit
fluttering against the glass
before the wick stops glowing.  That other
sound?  Words flapping at the dim pane
of the mind long into darkness.
                                               --Samuel Green

Roger Merrill: April 2, 1947 – January 18, 2013

I think that we can all agree that over the past few years, Mom has been most eloquent keeping you all abreast of Roger’s battle with Leukemia.  So today I take a turn at updating the blog.  The news is not good, but is not bad either.

Roger had a peaceful passing last evening, surrounded by what he considered to be his greatest love, his friends and family.  What is it about this news you ask, that is “not bad”?   Roger battled Leukemia fiercely for several years, even winning the battle, and rising to the coveted “cured” status, albeit briefly.  He never took his health, life or loved ones for granted.  He lived life to the fullest, had a love for Mom that was unmatched.  He held a strong belief in the power of a positive attitude, and a good sense of humor.  He cultivated happiness.  He was committed to doing work in advertising and communications that made a positive contribution to the world.  

Roger passed last night just as he had wished, no pain, no suffering, just drifting off in to a peaceful slumber.  Dignified, so I say…”not bad”.

Roger Merrill, you will be forever in our hearts.

--Taylor